nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit