astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.