*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
You Might Also Like
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
fly smarter, not harder
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.