George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
You Might Also Like
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]