Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.