My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
You Might Also Like
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”