Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side