9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
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No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.