Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.