I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Cha-ching is my safe word
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up