Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
You Might Also Like
a badder mouse
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”