[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW