2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*