Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
WHY?!
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
We take our 40% off sale seriously at