Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
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Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.