Very problematic
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL