Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
incredible text to wake up to
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Love is in the air fryer.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.