Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
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[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos