The struggle is real
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*offers Batman cough drops*
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Wait a minute…
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.