Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The options really are this bad
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.