Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
is this how new cars are made??
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Dance like you’re not the father
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*