4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
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*cough*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious