Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.