My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
me working on my assignments ^-^
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”