I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
me when the borders lift
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.