Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
all that yoga finally paid off
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.