Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
The future is now.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.