A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
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If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil