Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
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[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
ready to be harvested
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30