Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt