Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
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7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”