Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.