How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
reviewed some movies recently
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted