I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.