Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I would move hell over six inches for you
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.