Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?