Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My background check bounced.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Comparing yourself to others
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.