if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you know, you know
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
don’t be scared
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla