Mornin. * use accordingly
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.