*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.