Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
You Might Also Like
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser