[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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Mouse
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Plumber: I think I found the problem
i- i did not expect this
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I’m not stressed
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it