A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
You Might Also Like
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.