Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.