What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
barbara was highly relatable
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”