When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
You Might Also Like
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.