so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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iPhone X
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”