If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You Might Also Like
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Clients after you give them your rates
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh