At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The funk soul brother
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]