I can’t wait!
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?